miss kate hardcastle

Back in August in the midst of all the workplace nonsense - a sort of haphazard redistricting of responsibilities - my new boss (formerly my colleague) and I had a tough conversation about communication. We both were aware that in all the change our ability to communicate easily with one another was suffering. This had been one of my major concerns about the new structure; up to this point we had been wonderfully, happily collaborative peers. Now we were boss and subordinate.

In the course of this conversation we covered a lot of ground, and, at least from my point of view, not all of it was legitimate territory. One of the criticisms which came my way was that sometimes I am condescending. To which I replied, “That’s not always a bad thing.” My boss, “Umm, yeah it is.”

Now, I've heard variations on this theme since early childhood. I have variously been described as condescending, arrogant, aggressive, know-it-all, stuck up, and a bitch. This last was mostly during my teen years; I don’t miss high school. I've also been described as confident, assured, self-possessed, intelligent, and a natural leader and teacher. Often, but not always, by the same people who employ the less positive-sounding phrases.

Yesterday my boss and I were talking again. Just to be clear, while the previous conversation was difficult, it did a lot to clear the air and we've been working together well ever since. We have had occasional flare-ups, but nothing insurmountable. In the course of our conversation yesterday she brought up her previous comment about condescension. Having reflected more on the subject she has determined that what she perceives as condescension is really just me being right. That it is her ego getting in the way which colors how she receives questions and information from me.

To my mind, what would be truly patronizing is me agreeing with her and reveling in this exchange. In reality, my actual response was, “No, no, no. I’m not always right. Don’t persuade yourself that I am.” This dynamic too easily becomes a loaded weapon and it’s not one I care to shoulder, thank you very much.

Unfortunately for my boss she inherited with her new position a tremendous amount of long-standing friction between departments and, in some cases, between colleagues, much of which has, thankfully, died down over the last several months. However, she was previously out-of-the-loop in a lot of these tensions, so being confronted with the depth of them has caught her off-guard. She finds herself in constant mediation of workplace squabbles which draw her attention away from the mountainous workload we carry. We are all, every one of us, feeling the strain of long hours and too much work. Certainly, neither she nor I is exempt from this.

The only way we’re going to get through it is if we work together. We all know it, still we all find it hard to do. There is all the bad history to overcome, all the better communication practices we need to learn, and all the ego of which each of us needs to let go. Our work is fundamentally collaborative and when we shortcut the process of working together, not only does the product suffer so does the environment in which we work. We all have to begin on a level playing field. We have to find the lowest common denominator from which we can expand our process. Together we must let go of our lofty sense of who each of us is and come down to that place where we can meet as equals.

In short, we must condescend.