From: Stella
Sent: Monday, June 01, 2009 12:18 PM
To: Goo
Subject: Well?
Okay.
Doug won’t let me stay in DC with the children*. This could be a deal breaker.
I think maybe I made him my backup and now he’s calling me on it. But we have a few years to work on this.
I ate Korean food last night. Here’s a picture.
From: Goo
Date: Mon, 1 Jun 2009 12:27:06 -0400
To: Stella
Subject: RE: Well?
I’m jealous.
I’m jealous that you have a backup.
I’m jealous that you have a few years to work out the details.
I’m jealous that you ate Korean food.
I’m even jealous that you took a picture.
I’m just a seething, writhing mass of jealousy.
Toodles!
From: Stella
Sent: Monday, June 01, 2009 12:35 PM
To: Goo
Subject: Re: Well?
1. You haven’t met Doug. You would not be jealous.
2. The Korean food had hidden spiciness that turned evil. You should not be jealous.
3. The picture is remarkably poor quality. You could not be jealous.
4. Don’t seethe. It’s bad for your skin.
Toodles?
From: Goo
Date: Mon, 1 Jun 2009 12:48:07 -0400
To: Stella
Subject: RE: Well?
1. You know a man who talks with you about marriage and child-rearing. Doesn’t matter if it’s a joking fantasy or a ring and a bassinet. I’m jealous.
2. The genius of Korean food is the hidden spiciness. I am jealous.
3. The photo shows chopsticks and four billion little dishes someone else prepared and someone else will wash. I’m jealous.
4. My skin is looking pretty damn good these days. Be jealous.
From: Stella
Sent: Monday, June 01, 2009 12:53 PM
To: Goo
Subject: Re: Well?
1. Marriage has not been mentioned. “Ocala Christian Academy” has. (Shudder.)
2. The spiciness HURT. I was NOT enjoying it. I didn’t taste food for like 15 minutes. Just the epic burn of “spiciness.”
3. The little dishes of not immediately identifiable food were nice, I’ll say that.
4. Your skin has been looking wonderful lately. I AM jealous.
5. I have roots already. A WEEK, it lasted. A WEEK.
From: Goo
Date: Mon, 1 Jun 2009 1:48:27 -0400
To: Stella
Subject: RE: Well?
1. The Ocala Christian Academy will not admit the bastard children of people who defy the will of God by living in sin. If he mentioned the school, marriage was definitely implied.
2. I think what you refer to as “epic burn” is what the Buddha meant by “attaining enlightenment” and what the Hindus refer to as “nirvana”.
3. Well, I think we’ve pretty much exhausted that.
4. I appreciate your covetousness and only wish I had your legs.
5. Look at it this way: even when you die, your hair keeps growing. You’d have roots even if you were dead. You are not dead and will be able to do the upkeep to maintain your current bombshell appearance. Life means growth; death means growth. Any way you slice it you still end up singing Hakuna Matata.
6. NO ONE is paying the kind of microscopic attention to your cellular hair growth that you are. Get over yourself.
Now that I look back over this, I retract my earlier statement. My Mondays are pretty typically this earth-shattering. Be jealous.
*NB: The children are hypothetical. Doug is not. At least, I don't think Doug is hypothetical. Wow. If Stella has a hypothetical guy trying to strong arm her into sending their hypothetical children to Evangelical boys' schools, I really am jealous and I may need to plan an intervention.
8 comments:
If the epic burn had anything to do with Buddha, then Buddha is just mean.
Also, Doug is not hypothetical. Doug is quite real. And marriage was never implied nor accepted.
I'm crazy, but I don't think I've quite reached the point where I am texting the voices in my head. :)
Toodles!
i too am jealous of the korean food with all the tiny little dishes someone else prepared. the nirvana that follows eating a meal like that however for me is in the knowledge that while i'm bowled over in agony from all the spice, at least i'm not bent over the kitchen sink washing all those dishes. :)
my monday was filled with about half a dozen women not enlightened enough to appreciate that they have jobs in this tough economic time who instead choose to whine and complain about each other. so yeah, i'm jealous of your thrilling, fast-paced monday too.
My Monday was spent napping in one chair with my daughter reading in the other. I couldn't stay awake during our scheduled reading hour. How sad.
On the other hand, she is now old enough that I can safely nap while she is awake. How exciting.
As for the Korean food, I, too, am jealous. While our dinner of chicken breasts cooked with sliced onions, red bell pepper, zucchini, and Portabella mushrooms (and spicy spices), was tasty, it was not cooked by someone else and I did the dishes.
And I thought people are supposed to text the voices in their heads. At least, that's what the voices tell me.
1. Korean food appears to be very, very gray.
2. The thought of you as a seething, writhing mass is . . . not a good thought.
3. Don't you have a dish washer?
4. Isn't dying roots counterproductive?
5. Anything with Christian Academy in its name does not have a good connotation in my thinking these days.
Jealous? Not!
GG, you know, I think maybe Buddha means "epic burn". I'll have to check my Tibetan dictionary.
Heather, we're all about whining about the tough economic times, but we constantly give thanks for our jobs.
Jaz, glad to know you're on a texting basis with the voices in your head. What's Oyster reading to you these days?
Lit,
1. Don't judge the Koreans. And I think you mean "grey".
2. Oh, I seethe and writhe all the time, but there's less and less mass all the time.
3. I do have a dishwasher, but I don't have hired help to clear the table, scrape and rinse the dishes, load the dishwasher, and then put them away.
4. I dyed your roots too many times for you to start trying to tell me now thw whole exercise is counterproductive.
5. Seriously.
Ralph S. Mouse, by Beverly Cleary.
Stella would like to clarify that "Ocala Christian Academy" has been taken out of the picture. Marriage was, in fact, proposed. Via text message. How f"ing romantic is THAT?
You want romance, Stella, read a Harlequin. Or watch a Cary GRant movie. Or a Hugh Grant movie, for that matter.
If you want HYPOTHETICAL babies, keep on texting.
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