kiss and tell

I was home on vacation recently and spent some time (not enough) hanging out with good friends. While I enjoyed all of the conversations with my friends, there was conversation that stood out from the rest. Because I love putting the screws to my friends, I will share the highlights with you. Names will be withheld to protect the guilty.

-- my soon-to-be-40 bachelor friend recognizes he's lonely and wants to "build a home"; jury is still out on whether this is a literal or figurative home

-- he most recently dated a 22-year-old

-- she blew him off shortly after he clarified their age difference

-- he makes the mistake of bitching to me about how she never returned phones calls, emails, etc.

-- I point out this is what we call "KARMA" and that I've lost track of the number of times he's failed to return phone calls and emails, backed out of plans at the last minute, or failed to show up after making plans

-- we discuss the error of dating inappropriately young women

-- we discuss the avoidance techniques he's been employing for years to evade eligible women (total denial and obliviousness to this on his part)

-- I point out that his friends would be more than happy to set him up; he says he has no local friends

-- I point out that women get nervous about men who can't sustain friendships; it suggests they can't sustain any OTHER kind of relationship either

-- I reiterate how he's failed to return phone calls and emails, breaks dates, and stands people up; his friends have been victims of this for years

-- he entertains the notion of cultivating a "bad boy" persona in order to attract women

-- I point out that he's already enough of a jackass without making that his primary selling point

-- we discuss creating an image of stability; he sold his house last year and moved into a garage apartment (I pointed out at the time that this would be a red flag for most women)

-- I stress his pattern of dating women who are inherently unsuitable: too young (22 for God's sake?!?!?!?!), live too far away, he won't take them home to mother, etc.

-- he explains that he didn't exactly "date" the 22-year-old; they made out a few times after playing spin-the-bottle at a cast party

-- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- we discuss the advisability of getting dating advice from a mutual friend

-- I discreetly decline to discuss our mutual friend's own dating dilemmas; if nothing else, those two will bolster one another up

Seriously, I'm sorry to see a friend in a less than happy state, but I've got to shake my head over some the truly bonehead moves I've been witness to in this case. And while this recounting will suggest a less than attractive man, to those unfamiliar with my buddy, this is not the case. I've known women and men both to swoon and go starry-eyed at their first encounter with him. I recall having been at a reception a few years ago and watching him cut a swath through the gathering with a woman trailing at his heels like a well-trained pup. He never even turned his head her way as she followed him out the door. I turned to the woman standing next to me, who had witnessed the same event and remarked on the pathetic nature of the encounter. She agreed and then asked me if he was seeing anyone.

So, if you're of legal age and interested in meeting a frustrated, withholding introvert who claims he MIGHT be ready to change his ways, let me hear from you. I know just the guy!

DISCLAIMER: I have no room to talk. My romantic life is even more pathetic.